Today

I want to throw something, throw-up or throw down an impressive profanity laced tirade right now, but I won't. I'll just write.

Lizzie majorly backtracked today. We could see she was going downhill, but didn't know why. She still has not slept and she was very hard to understand when she spoke - she seemed to be a lot more absent than usual and her eyes have been completely focused to the top left of her and she wouldn't turn her head right.

Her nurse seemed to shy away from contacting the neurosurgeons, but we insisted b/c we could just tell something was seriously wrong. Her temp is 104, her heartrate has been averaging 170, but got as high as 217 today.

Finally, the neurosurgeon was paged and came in. He immediately determined that she was having low level seizures and ordered some new anti-seizure meds, as well as anti-anxiety. They were worried she would start high grade seizures very quickly, so it was quite frantic and scary. She had to get two new IV's in her feet b/c her hands are so bruised up that they wouldn't support a new IV.

We knew this would be hard. But when you see your child suffering a great deal and then to go on to suffer even more, it's almost unbearable.

Our faith is not shaken, but I have been struggling with feelings of anger, not directed upwards, just anger in general. I think it's just really getting to me and we are so concerned that she hasn't slept in four days.

But yet, we are so very blessed. Blessed with friends and family who distract us from the ugliness of our days and who are so diligently serving us by taking care of our children, bringing gifts, food and hugs. One example is that Lizzie has been talking about bunnies a lot and has had imaginary bunnies that visit her in her room and has been asking for a bunny and what do we receive today - a stuffed bunny (thanks Derk&Shawn)- it made her very happy.

Our hearts are so sad, yet so touched - we have received so many blessings lately, tangible and intangible, that we truly don't have enough room to receive them.

On a positive note - I am so thankful for a few things. One, people just expect you to be hideously ugly after a week in the hospital and I am thankful for that b/c that is precisely how I feel. Two, I haven't worn mascara for a week...you women can appreciate what a blessing that is. Three, my little girl is finally sleeping right now - though it is medicine induced, I don't care. Four, for the hearts we were showered down with today from the Hicks fam - it truly touched our hearts. And five, I am just truly thankful that we feel God's presence near - it has brought Ben and I closer and closer to our Heavenly Father as well. My heart is softer now that I have written and I feel the Comforter comforting me.

God Bless you for your prayers in our behalf.